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i was getting a massage tonight, and in the middle of trying to breathe through the painful stretching of my back muscles, a thought suddenly popped into my head:

i wish mish were here.

and i don't know why.

i haven't spoken to him or heard from him in over three weeks, nearly a month. i don't expect i ever will again, to be honest. (probably for the best.)

so why, out of all of the thoughts i could have had, did i have that one?

this is a man i spent 18 hours with, someone i talked with for less than a week, but someone i felt an intense actual connection with.

and he's the reason why i stopped dating -- why, now, i feel more at ease with myself -- focused on myself -- than i have in a very long time.

part of me wishes he would reach out for some reason. i know it's better that he doesn't.

i feel so much more comfortable with the idea of being alone since deciding that i want to teach in france next year. there's no reason to date someone if i'm going to be gone for seven-nine months by this time next year.

i can actually just live for myself.