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you can tell me how vile i already know that i am.

when i talk about you to my new friends, they all get this look on their face. you know that look. i hate it. it implies so much that isn't there.

i wish i had someone i could talk to this about. i wish there was something to talk about.

i get all teary-eyed when i see people who love each other. it just makes me happier than anything. i hope that one day i will have that effect on other people.

but i can't help but wonder if that is ever going to happen.

i am a pretty happy girl, most of the time--isn't that the first step? as they say, no one will love you if you don't first love yourself. (supposedly.) (i don't know about that.)

i am confident enough, i know i'm smart, i'm in grad school, and i have some of the best friends possible, not to mention an amazing family. i have all this support all the time.

"the nicest thing" just came on my itunes and... oh.

maybe it's sad or pathetic that sometimes i still have these thoughts. i don't really think that it is, but i can see how someone could come to that conclusion.

when i fucked bryant again, at least it was fun. but unfulfilling. as always.

and for a couple of days i walked around with that feeling caught in my throat, that i was just there. and i was. and i know it.

i always am.

but, i made that decision, and i didn't regret it (this time).

a lot of times, i think about where i am going to go after i graduate in december 2014. it would be easier to have someone to go to or someone to follow me.

(but really, it wouldn't be, would it?)

why haven't i met anyone yet who just thinks i'm wonderful? so many terrible people in the world find love, and here i am. surrounded by love, but not the kind i want.

sometimes i think about eric and i wonder if anyone else has loved him yet. if he has loved anyone else yet. i know it doesn't matter, but i wish i knew.

and i hope that he has learned. i guess that is all we can actually ask.

i wonder if after i graduate i will move far away from here and meet someone and start this story i want to start.

i need you in a weird way and sometimes i think it's reciprocated but mostly not.

there is a piece of me that is very tired of traveling to everyone.

i kept saying "i know our friendship has to change" and it did, yaknow, but never in the detrimental way i expected it to. we went from talking multiple times a day to only a couple of times a week to talking on the phone every night. i don't know.

i write these things because they are how i feel and i get to the end and feel silly. because here, it all seems so much more important. these are only passing feelings.

i'm really fine.

i just reread an entry about how this boy kept teasing me thinking i wanted him in my bed and all i actually wanted was macaroni and cheese and if that's not the most accurate description of my life ever, i don't know what is.