you can tell me how vile i already know that i am. when i talk about you to my new friends, they all get this look on their face. you know that look. i hate it. it implies so much that isn't there. i wish i had someone i could talk to this about. i wish there was something to talk about. i get all teary-eyed when i see people who love each other. it just makes me happier than anything. i hope that one day i will have that effect on other people. but i can't help but wonder if that is ever going to happen. i am a pretty happy girl, most of the time--isn't that the first step? as they say, no one will love you if you don't first love yourself. (supposedly.) (i don't know about that.) i am confident enough, i know i'm smart, i'm in grad school, and i have some of the best friends possible, not to mention an amazing family. i have all this support all the time. "the nicest thing" just came on my itunes and... oh. maybe it's sad or pathetic that sometimes i still have these thoughts. i don't really think that it is, but i can see how someone could come to that conclusion. when i fucked bryant again, at least it was fun. but unfulfilling. as always. and for a couple of days i walked around with that feeling caught in my throat, that i was just there. and i was. and i know it. i always am. but, i made that decision, and i didn't regret it (this time). a lot of times, i think about where i am going to go after i graduate in december 2014. it would be easier to have someone to go to or someone to follow me. (but really, it wouldn't be, would it?) why haven't i met anyone yet who just thinks i'm wonderful? so many terrible people in the world find love, and here i am. surrounded by love, but not the kind i want. sometimes i think about eric and i wonder if anyone else has loved him yet. if he has loved anyone else yet. i know it doesn't matter, but i wish i knew. and i hope that he has learned. i guess that is all we can actually ask. i wonder if after i graduate i will move far away from here and meet someone and start this story i want to start. i need you in a weird way and sometimes i think it's reciprocated but mostly not. there is a piece of me that is very tired of traveling to everyone. i kept saying "i know our friendship has to change" and it did, yaknow, but never in the detrimental way i expected it to. we went from talking multiple times a day to only a couple of times a week to talking on the phone every night. i don't know. i write these things because they are how i feel and i get to the end and feel silly. because here, it all seems so much more important. these are only passing feelings. i'm really fine. i just reread an entry about how this boy kept teasing me thinking i wanted him in my bed and all i actually wanted was macaroni and cheese and if that's not the most accurate description of my life ever, i don't know what is.
11.01.13