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i keep telling myself it will get easier and then something happens to make it suddenly hit me again.

i am consistently carrying this around with me and if i focus on it for too long my eyes start to water.

i wanted you to love me before i ever even realized it.

couldn't you have tried
or thought

of me?

i know it is ridiculous and nothing i could have ever asked you to do. but i wanted to.

i keep telling myself to focus on being happy for you but then i think about how i wish i could get away, too.

one day i will look back on this and find myself to be very silly.
it won't be soon.
but it will happen.

then, i think, i will be okay.

it's just the feeling of being left behind. of not being important enough.

don't get me wrong, i understand it. and i know it has nothing to do with me.

i'm not that stupid y'know.

but that doesn't mean i don't think it or feel it or that it doesn't hurt.

and forgive me because this is about to become all kinds of pathetic, more than it has already been.

i am so tired of being alone.

i am waiting on the day that someone actually cares for me again.

eric was the last person who cared for me.

it hurts even more to put it in those terms.

it's not where i am, it's who i'm with but


i am just very sad.