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sometimes i just don't want to be happy (without someone)

it shouldn't have bothered me so much. but that dream... i was so upset, so sad.

& i dreamed that this kid... he was with her, one of my best friends. he didn't choose me (he hasn't chosen me anyway, he won't choose me ever & i KNOW that) but i told them, i said it was okay. that it didn't bother me because i didn't want them to be unhappy. & i was just... so sad. i haven't felt so sad in such a long time.

& at practice i'm so MAD at you, so angry because it seems like you're avoiding me so this feeling will go away. & i'm already upset because of the dream.

but i'm leaving the band room, & he stops me. he asks me what's wrong because for some reason he cares. & i don't want to answer him - i do but i don't. i want to tell him he's the reason i'm so upset, that it's his fault. i want him to be sorry, but i'm not sure for what. he's massaging my shoulders & calming me down, & suddenly... i'm fine. & i hate how he does that. but at the same time i love it.

i'm close to crying & it's something i haven't done in who knows when.