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let it go, the damage in your heart

well, i needed a place to come back to, and i can't just up and make a new diary anymore.

here's a bit of an update for you:

eric and i got engaged on christmas of 2008. he treated me horribly in a lot of ways. finally, this april (2011) i broke up with him. we haven't spoken in a few weeks since he deleted me from facebook.

i had a kind of fling with a boy named brian from high school. i was really enamored with him--i already knew i liked him as a person, he's brilliant, and i felt like i could talk to him. i talked to him a lot... about a lot of things. which i don't usually do.

the reason i went on a date with him in the first place is because he asked me at midnight. how precious is that? i wouldn't have said yes otherwise, if i'm being honest. he picked me up and we went to mcdonald's (the only thing open at midnight). we bought milkshakes and talked to each other until 5 in the morning, when my dad called asking me where i was. we held hands, sweetly, for a while. when he took me home, i kissed him before getting out of the car.

the next day, about five hours later, we had lunch at huddle house, where we did the same thing--we sat and talked for two hours, we held hands, and i realized that i liked him.

let me tell you that i am not a fan of this dating thing. i think the reason i liked brian so much initially is because i already KNEW him, since i was 13, and i knew he was a good person etc etc. i was able to skip that whole getting-to-know-you-and-figure-out-if-i-actually-like-you-or-not part.

so, we talked for two weeks through phone calls and the internet. and i really liked him, that i did, and that i was honestly surprised by. i don't get attached easily, let me tell you that right now.

and so i spilled my guts about a lot of issues to him under the impression that this was going to go somewhere. for whatever reason i was even willing to do the whole long distance thing. that didn't scare me. i loved having something to look forward to--that text message i could read when i got off work, that email i could read at night, the conversation i would have with him before going to sleep. i loved that.

well, then he came down here to stay for the weekend. the friday was nothing short of amazing. he got here, we went out to eat, we walked around campus, and then we came back to the house and everyone was either gone or asleep. so we went to my room.

we watched the big bang theory on my computer for a while, and then eventually, of course, i kissed him. i love to kiss people. i think it's the most romantic thing someone can do, way more romantic than sex, that's for sure. and let me tell you something else, brian is a damn good kisser.

oh, i should say, the only person i've ever had sex with/any sexual relations with (until now) was eric. and i had a bad experience with sex. he, in a way, pressured me into losing my virginity by telling me he would break up with me if i didn't. me, being the stupid little eighteen year old i was, i detached myself from it and just did it. and i never really got much satisfaction out of it because eric was more concerned about himself and it was always a chore for me--something we fought about constantly. i just never really enjoyed it.

well, i certainly enjoyed it with brian. not that we had sex--we didn't, don't get ahead of yourself. but he was such a good kisser! ah. damn. he'd pull my head back and little bit forcefully while he kissed me, he was amazing at kissing my neck, well let me say he actually paid attention to me which is more than i've ever really had before to being with. the way he inched his hand up my leg was amazing.

anyhow, i suppose i can get to the point: we had two make out sessions before essentially deciding to go to sleep. however, about an hour later i must've woken up somehow because we were making out again. oh! and i love the way he'd turn me over on my back and get on top of me. that was nice, too. but anyway, eventually he started kissing my neck and further down and kissing my thighs... and i actually enjoyed getting eaten out. that's never happened. honestly. i always hated it. but this, this was good. and i was pretty happy with the result. okay, and after that he came back up and started kissing me again which was also pretty hot and enjoyable. and then! we went to sleep.

well, saturday started off well. we slept in pretty late, took a long time getting ready, and ate lunch. we came back and i could tell something was off. he didn't really want to sit by me, wanted to watch a football game, what have you. it kind of pissed me off, because i wasn't sure what i had done.

we drank that night, too, and eventually i went to bed before he did. when he came to bed, we just went to sleep.

a few hours later, i woke up and realized he was awake too. we started making out again (i started that) and eventually i sucked his dick. i don't mind this, i actually enjoy giving blowjobs, i think they're fun. but i'm kind of mad at myself about it now. oh well! i did like getting to see him smile like that when he was done. ah, well.

sunday he went back home, yada yada. i'm not an idiot, i knew it wasn't going to go anywhere after all of this. so that night i talked to him and was all like, hey so brian, you know, if this isn't going anywhere i'd rather you tell me now and get it over with.

well guess what! he's still in love with his ex girlfriend. which is fine, i understand and all, and it's ultimately better that he told me now instead of a few months down the road, etc. what have you. but i was actually kind of upset by it. i'm very understanding, but i was upset.

...and it surprised me that i was upset. i don't get attached too easily, see? i don't. but i got attached to him in about two weeks. anyway.

all that to say, i do wish him the best and i hope he can be happy again, i know he really does still love her and it sucks for him and everything. i want to talk to him sometimes and try to make him happy but now i'm just gonna chill and if he wants to talk to me, he can. it's whatever. but it still hurt my feelings.

i had to grapple with whether or not i was bothered with the fact that i let him go down on me/vice versa without even being in a relationship. if you remember, i'd only ever done anything sexual with eric, who i was in a relationship with for four years. but the sex stuff wasn't what bothered me at all:

what bothered me was the fact that i had spilled my guts about so many things to him without thinking twice about it. i just assumed it was going to go somewhere.

that's the worst part.

and anyway, i don't like this whole dating idea. i don't. i just want to pick someone i already know and be like, hey man, let's be together for awhile and see if it works out, yeah?

so that's my love life in a nutshell right now. sorry for it being so damn long. except not really. i'd been holding that in for a few weeks and just needed to get it all out, but i didn't think i had a place where it was appropriate to do so.