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youknow , two weekends ago, was probably the most fun i'd had in a while.

i hadn't seen him(blake) in over a month & i was just so so SO excited to get to. insanely. & this is what i wrote about it in one of my diaries:

yesterday you took me to the park for a picnic - unthawed uncrustables with mountain dew & water. "i'm sorry i don't have the red checkered blanket" you say, "it's just short notice". & i don't mind the least bit, because a pinic was something you knew i'd been wanting the past while, & the fact that you made it happen makes you even more amazing than you already are.

we dodged cars today, running into the street. "i don't want to die!" i proclaim to you. & you hold me closer, your hand lingering on my shoulder & massaging like it used to, & you kissed the top of my head telling me it would be alright.

we were outside, the sun was down, & the wind had gotten colder. when i complained about my cold-natured skin, you wrapped your arms around me, hand moving up & down to keep me warm, your face against mine. we walked that way to the car & i'm not sure i've ever felt so comfortable.

& again, we were fighting for shotgun, just like it should be. your arm slides around my shoulders & i realize i'm acting like i did last winter - & that's not exactly a good thing.

i remember loving the way he looked at me that weekend.

that next day, the sunday, we sat in alex's basement while he did yardwork. he was fixing his computer & i was just sitting there, watching & being myslef i suppose. & at one point, my arm was on his chair & his head barely rested on it, & he looked so very comfortable. i got to draw on his hand & we talked about the last time i did this. she was mad at him later, because he supposed she thought we were flirting. & i almost said, "well i probably was" but then i didn't want to make things weird because i have that tendency.

yesterday before he left, when he hugged me he was very very quick to let go. made me sad.

the whole weekend we seemed very detached from each other. i was afraid to be as i always am, because i didn't want you to act differently. i wasn't sure what i was allowed to do. so i didn't do much at all.

i wonder sometimes. does he ever worry that i'll replace him?

i need to talk to him tonight. soon.