calling you to see... blake told me this week that high school is not the time for relationships with college students & that i don't know how he'd feel if he hurt me. i wanted to see him so bad tonight. i almost drove to his house, unexpected, at ten o'clock, but it's a good thing i didn't because he's at a poker game. i keep thinking my patheticness is going to screw us up. i want him to read this poem i found & i want him to promise me something. & i just don't want tomorrow to be the day i see him since all this because it's going to be so odd. i just miss him. want to see him. want to talk to him & hug him & just be around him. i keep waiting to see if i'll drop down camron's list, if i'll be replaced. jordan says he's my fallback boy. i don't know. well, scratch that. i know what it is i want. i hate that i can't have it, that he's not willing to give it a try. that is what hurts. am i not worth it? because in all my irrationality that's all i can see. no, no it's not. i completely understand him it's just that i don't want to. this is one of those things you wait & wait for to happen but then you hate it when it's here. i thought i had something & i didn't.
10.20.06