blake. we watched eternal sunshine tonight. when alex wasn't in the room it was kind of obvious, i think maybe, that we like each other, at least that i like him still anyway. he likes it. the movie. i got to drive him home. & we talked about basically camron & the two of us liking each other, he tells me not to feel bad about tomorrow. (going ice skating instead of to finals) i stopped,parked in the middle of the road, so he would tell me what he was smiling about. i remember that conversation in january. he told me he'd take me ice skating. he always thought he'd be the first one to take me. he always thought he'd be the one to take me on my first date. & i think it's funny, because i always imagined it to be that way, too. WHY WEREN'T YOU... was what i was thinking, but i'm bad at saying what's on my mind. "nothing's going to happen between us, right?" if i seemed upset at his going to western, i tell him, it's only because i thought that i'd go to murray & well, i'd already have my best friend there, i'd be set. we sat in his driveway & talked about this stuff for a little bit. god. i don't know what i'd do without him. i really just... don't. i don't want to know, either. before he got out of the car, i almost told him "i don't want him to be my first kiss..." because i don't. i always imagined him to be, you know? & i'm sort of scared. because i think camron may kiss me tomorrow, & well, i don't know... would he have done anything if i'd brought it up?
11.03.06
"not right now, no... in the future, i can't say."