it's been four years then hasn't it i have elaborate imaginings of going through paris on my way back to avignon and staying with my french tutor -- who, generally, i would not ever be attracted to (blonde, super muscular, etc.) -- but the way that he talks to me makes me imagine his lips on mine and his hands on my body. i have been talking to this boy jason (five years younger than me) and there is so little there to indicate that he is even really that interested in me, despite the lovely in-person date we had a couple of weeks ago. i am so tired of waiting for any sense, any hint that he might actually like me. and i am just so tired of going through my life without something romantic to hinge all my emotions on. hahaha. just kidding, sort of. but god. do i fucking miss it. i fucking miss kissing someone goodbye or goodnight. knowing that they were going to be there when i got home. walking through the grocery store aisles together. choosing a movie to watch together. going to bed wrapped up together, even more wrapped up together when we wake up. it just fucking hurts sometimes.
04.10.21