it's you, and you're standing in the doorway it's like i need a break but i don't know what i need a break from. "dealing with" a breakup that's not a breakup because he wasn't even someone i actually wanted to be with feels strange. i just liked that he thought i was smart. and that one day he put his hands on my hips and turned me around to kiss him. it's his birthday today. he's 26. young. it will be good to take a break. to not meet anyone. this other guy, who was sick last night -- he seems interested. but maybe i'm delusional. maybe i've just always been delusional about these things. (but then again, that kind of thinking led to me talking to someone on the phone every night for six months, texting constantly, and still believing he didn't like me.) i guess they've all been running through my head lately. matt, alexander, fernando, chris, will. who knows who else. how many people have i met in the last few years? i can't even count. loneliness just hits you out of nowhere sometimes and won't let go. it's like i've convinced myself, too, that i'm no longer made for love. that i'm not built for that, for trusting another person, for thinking they're on my team. not like that. but is it actually true?
12.21.19