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too much about the past

the other night, matt and i drank, and my tipsy self started us talking about relationships. and i told him so much about eric, about how terrible he was, about how i wish i had loved myself more and done something about it earlier. how i assumed i deserved all of it, how no one ever really taught me that it's not okay to be treated that way.

i've been reading old diaries this morning (since i was sure diaryland was dead the other day) and it makes me so sad.

why didn't i listen to anyone?

why didn't i believe i deserved to be loved the right way?

i wish i could go back and do things differently, but what does that even do.

it just makes me so, so, so, so, so sad.

matt is so sweet to me it could make me cry. he is so nice to me that sometimes it drives me a little crazy. we have our issues, just like everyone else, but he is always so happy and so excited to have me.

and i deserve that.

i always did.