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ldr ldr ldr

i'm full and tired and had a good easter but now i'm wallowing because everyone else gets to post all of these adorable pictures with their significant other but mine is over 1,000 miles away, working all day, probably getting high later tonight.

it is still thirteen weeks away from when i get to see him again. sure, i will be staying for an entire month, but that's still three months and some change away.

i think about how i keep leaning toward trying to get a job in colorado so i can be with him until he finishes his degree (which may take two-three years) and then... and then what?

the more i think about being far away from home, the worse of an option it appears to be. matt said something once about transferring (after the degree and everything) to the hospital down in nashville, so that may be a possibility.

but all of these things are so far into the future.

he tells me that he sees me in his future, that all of his future plans include me at some point.

but it's terrifying. for instance: what if i moved all the way out to colorado, got a solid job there, and we moved in together or lived near each other or something of that sort, and a few months after we decide we hate each other? then i'm alone. in a state 1,000 miles away from my family, further from most of my friends.

i know that's a terrible way to look at things.

and here's something i've been feeling that i've never had to work through before: jealousy. it's all very, very petty, i assure you, but i get so jealous of people who actually get to be around him. when he goes to the bar after work (and i've waited up just to get to talk to him) it eats at me because i'll talk to him for five minutes, he'll go hang out with the people he sees every day (which is good, trust me, i'm not stupid enough to think it's bad), and then i wait up even longer to talk to him for real.

here is all this boils down to: being in a long distance relationship is hard. it's really hard.

and i've known that forever. i knew it before we jumped into this. and it's not like i wish we weren't together.

i just wish i could see him. i wish i could be with him on holidays and come home and snuggle up to him at night and then be legitimately extremely glad for him getting to go to a comedy club with a girl from work so he can meet the actual comedian (since she knows him).

i worry about him waking up one morning and deciding i'm not worth it. that i've never been worth it. that i'm not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, that i get angry too often or have too many emotions or run over him with my emotional roller coaster. that he will find someone so much better than me.

and i will have wasted so much time. invested so much.

which is how all things in life go.

but it scares me. and i wish i could bring these things up without worrying him and without feeling stupid or like some kind of lunatic.

because i know he loves me. and i know he cares.

for fuck's sake, we spent an hour last night talking about parenting and when we want children.

and i know he wouldn't cheat on me, but there's that voice in the back of my head saying, he slept with a married woman (multiple times) so clearly he doesn't have the best morals and he made out with his best friend's girlfriend so clearly he doesn't have the best morals.

those are all things in the past that i can't hold against him for the future. but sometimes they worry me a little.

they shouldn't, but they do. that's the truth. and as long as i realize how ridiculous it is, then it is okay to admit it.

all of this is to say that i miss him very much and want to touch him and talk to him all of the time and the fact that i can't, that i have to wait so long to see him...

it's just hard.