questions upon questions sometimes i just want someone to listen to me. i can talk and talk and talk. and yesterday wasn't the best day, although that's not a good excuse. if i want to talk about a bad day, i should just talk about a bad day. not drink wine and talk about everything else. last night he told me that he was worried i wouldn't go overseas or wherever because of him. that's probably truer than i want it to be. but honestly, how scary is it to go by yourself to another country where you don't have a mastery of the language? if i could swing it that i got a job in france, i could get around on my own, but that's about it. i'd be alone. i have little to no desire to go to asian countries, but that's where the jobs are. that, or the middle east, and as a girl i am so not doing that. the future is scary. it makes me figure that maybe he likes that i would be gone for another whole year. i don't know. i just didn't feel like being by myself last night. i didn't feel like being in my dark room alone without anyone to talk to. i was exhausted, high and then low all day. i'm difficult to deal with. and i'm not great enough to be dealt with like that. that's another thing i've been worrying about. "improving myself." i told him last night that mindy kaling and lena dunham were the most beautiful ladies ever and i wanted to be them, and he replied, "i'm okay with that." and of course i take everything very personally and told him that wasn't a good answer and in general, as a rule, he shouldn't tell his girlfriend it's okay if she is someone else. i just want to actually feel like i am good enough. i never feel like i'm good enough for anyone, anything. it's a hard thing to do. i have a midterm today i haven't even finished the study guide for. i can't get myself to care enough. i got a B on my paper proposal (after purposefully leaving out one of the parts it needed) and my heart just deflated. even though i knew i couldn't get an A because i didn't put in the effort. i wonder if he gets that i wouldn't be dating him if i didn't want to eventually not be in different states. i mean, what he said was true: at this point, right now, i would rather move to colorado than go to a different country when i graduate. what of it? does that make me a terrible person? is that a mistake? how can we know? i have to stop letting everything get to me. all these little things. making him remember things. but they are worth remembering. at least to me. does that mean that he should remember it? just for me? i haven't ever been in a functional relationship (neither has he) and i don't really know what it looks like. what's unreasonable? i don't know.
03.25.14
i drank a whole bottle of wine last night and now my head hurts and is fuzzy.