TRUTH. i am so restless and full of decisions and possibilities and anxieties i feel like i'm going crazy. i want to go places, i want to go to vegas and to st. louis and to washington dc, and everywhere! i want to do things that other people will be jealous of. i want to make money but if i get this job i'm applying for i'm stuck aren't i? isn't that what going back home and living with my parents signifies? even if i'll be making $30,000 a year instead of working my ass off in grad school and going $20,000 in debt? even though i'll be living with my friends? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS ALL COMES DOWN TO? the fact that i'm alone. i want to come across as an independent person but my god i miss having someone who likes me and makes me feel good about myself (what? wait? did i ever even have that? hah!) and who keeps me warm at night. okay?! if i had that, i'd feel better. i honestly would. because if i don't go to grad school, down goes my possibilities of finding someone who will ever love me again. down down down the possibilities keep going down the damn drain. i want to live with my friends forever and i just want to cry at all of these different possibilities because every goddamn one of them is terrifying.
05.06.12