reflecting earlier today, matt said something about me in the future to the effect of, if i ended up doing something, "then we'd realize that she was actually sad about it." you know, this break up. i'm honestly surprised at how sad i am about it. i mean, i don't seem sad to them. of course i'm not going to tell them that this two week fling, which has really been a six week fling, has deflated my optimism once again because this is the second damn time i've been in this situation. i really do like bryant. here is something that upsets me about all of this. when megan broke up with bryant in november, he began talking to all of his friends in surplus. that's how he deals with things, you know? and that's fine. i was one of those people he really started talking to. we were either texting every day or talking on facebook or occasionally calling each other or meeting up for dinner in GC. i started to develop this little crush, pushed by the fact that matt told us we belonged together, that we have since we were fifteen. i would never have spoken a word of this to bryant, because i knew he was going through this healing period and he needed this time alone. it was bryant who asked me on a date. i didn't prompt it at all. it was completely his choice. of course, i was more than happy to go on one with him. i was more than happy to talk to him every night before going to sleep for hours at a time. we went on a few of these dates. i slept in his bed with his arms around me. we kissed each other in front of other people. it was completely on him when he asked me to be his girlfriend. i didn't prompt him. i didn't want to rush him into anything. i wasn't going to say a word about being in a relationship until i was already moved back into mky. but he was the one who decided he was ready for a relationship, who decided to make it official, not me. that's why it is confusing to me, i think. i didn't do anything wrong that i can tell. i'm not mad at him. i'm really not. he's such a sweet boy. and he just needs some time to himself. i understand that. i really do. but i really like him, i guess. that's all. and he tells me i'm so awesome, he never would have hurt me on purpose, blah blah blah. that's what everyone says. i'm not an idiot.
01.14.12