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past relationships

when i was sixteen, i had a boy who was my very best friend. i'm not sure why he was, though--he cared about me, but he was sad, and i wanted to help him. i always want to help.

he took me on a picnic once. he bought us a lunch, packed it up, and took me to the park, sat me down at a table by the water, and we had a picnic. something i'd talked about for a while.

he played songs for me on the guitar. he'd sing to me, songs about being young and in love and what have you. i remember sitting in the attic of alex's house together, all alone, him singing to me and me sitting there patiently, just listening.

he kissed me on his bed.

he strung me along for an entire year. he "dated" me for a month and cheated on me.

his name was blake.

after that, i directly started dating another boy. one who would listen when i complained about how blake treated me.

he collected 1990 pennies for me and bought a stuffed rabbit we named red. i still have that rabbit.

he proposed to me when i was 18 with the best intentions. he called me sunshine and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

he screamed at me, called me a bitch, and told me my feelings didn't matter. he made me cry so hard i got sick. he told me he'd break up with me if i didn't lose my virginity to him.

all things start off well, don't they?

i don't want to be bitter. but i don't want to forget. i'm afraid that if i forget, it means i'll let someone else treat me the same way.

eric sent me an email telling me merry christmas and happy new year, that it didn't feel right not telling me. and since i didn't want to talk to him, he'd never bother me again.

i replied, and told him the same, hope his family is well. then i told him i didn't hate him.

i wanted to elaborate, i wanted to explain to him how horribly he made me feel for three whole years, how i hope he's better now and will never treat anyone like that in the future.

but i didn't. and i won't. i never will. he wouldn't listen anyway.