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i closed my eyes, my nerves were acting up (probably because he was there). & he came up behind me & began massaging my shoulders, just like he used to, just like how he would to calm me down during drumline.

mine & morgan's conversation
"he looks at you different."

"does he?"

"yeah. he just... randomly stares at you... for a long time."

"is it better this week or last week?"

"this week, definitely."

i love how youngish she seems sometimes. naive, i guess. she's more observant than a lot of people & i really love that she told me that.

& the keyboard didn't work & i was so shaken up & he just hugged me & that's all i wanted was a hug, his arms around my shoulders, because i love how that feels.

how long does now last? (done for good or done for now)

i just want him to try.

& i got to take daniel to his house & i just wanted to see him so bad, he was lying around on the mattress in his messy room, long hair (getting cut tomorrow) all messed up & soft, tired eyes. i wanted to curl up beside him & have his arms around me & just fall asleep, not even worrying about going home, just sleeping.

it was just an odd day. a terrible week.

i came home to find an email from camron, just like we used to, & it made me smile. even though it's not what i want.

i wish milby would talk to blake. i talked to milby & he's very understanding & doesn't call me stupid & agrees on me with what i say & why i'm confused & says it's not my fault. you never know what happens til you try & i just want to try so bad! & it'll all work out. jason is nice like that too yknow? they're nifty kids.

when we were at subway & my head was down, i wanted his arm around my shoulder & i know it would've been there had none of this come up.

he would've done it outside just like the weekend he did before he told me.

i don't... i do understand. but. i just want to try. but i can't. i hate that alex was right. but i wish he would just...