halloween it is always this violent back and forth for me. last night i wound up on the floor, freezing, laying my head against the chair and trying not to fall asleep. just sitting there, no longer drunk, but waiting to sober up enough to drive home. i cleaned the kitchen and ate spicy doritos because i didn't know what else to do. i had a heart to heart with a guy i didn't even talk to in high school--he took me outside and we sat on the steps and i froze as he droned on and on about his ex-girlfriend and i just listened and tried to be supportive, but the second i got a chance to escape i ran inside. i'm not sure if that makes me a good or bad person. or neutral. i am always listening to other people--i asked my best friend, "why do people want to tell me everything all the time?" and he said, "cause you'll listen without obsessively talking about yourself." sometimes i want to be the one obsessively talking about myself. but if i did, i'd turn around and there'd be no one listening. --- my other best friend has had a boyfriend for a month and a half and her hedgehog died a month ago and she didn't even tell me any of that until this weekend. my heart felt broken. over the silliest things. back and forth: i don't want people to tell me everything but i do. --- god damn i am really happy where i am most of the time but i am so tired of everyone else having someone who will hold their hand, talk to them when they want to, anything. it all feels so far away from me. and i grasp at whatever little bit i can get and it's nothing. it's always nothing and i never mean anything. i am always just there. that's what it always comes down to. i'm never anyone's actual pick. i am always just there.
10.27.13